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Wana Come Over? written by Ryan Kerr

Posted By Rebecca Eckler on March 1, 2011

Tagged: Rave, Ryan Kerr

I am really proud of my current apartment.  Since I was very young, I imagined my dream home being an ugly grey concrete box, in the middle of the forest somewhere. Windowless, imposing and unfriendly.  But like any enchanted Disney castle, the lure would be too great to ignore. Maybe some handsome prince would find himself lost in the woods – or better yet, on crusade! – and happen upon my cryptic doorstep. Then we’d kiss, get married, buy an SUV, and live happily ever after.

So when I first saw my current apartment – above a dumpy convenience store on a noisy street – I thought I’d died and gone to haven.  There were cockroaches.  Enough said. But while the exterior façade continues to sag, the interior space has been lovingly polished and styled.  I repainted every surface, installed chandeliers and hung framed original art on the old plaster walls.  I lined the cupboards with crystal stemware, and collected fine wines to share with guests.

Then, I encountered an unexpected snag.  I met a boy.  Suddenly, my perfected oasis was vulnerable to outsiders.   I had to physically invite him into my home.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen!  He was supposed to use a GPS tracker to locate me, and scale the fortress walls singing love songs, like in modern rendition of Sleeping Beauty!  (Why was I thinking this way?!)

I realized that I had put so much effort into creating my ideal space, that I was reluctant to share it with ANYONE.

I told him that I had a friend living with me (temporarily) who snored. There were dirty dishes in the sink.  I didn’t want his first impression of me to be imperfect!

“Maybe we could just go to yours?” I suggested.   We did.  There were dirty dishes in HIS sink.  And the strangest part was, I didn’t care.

I asked myself the question “Why move into a bachelor apartment that’s right downtown if you won’t invite anyone over, ever?!”

I felt like Elaine from Seinfeld, who rated her prospective partners against her dwindling supply of discontinued contraceptives.  “You’re awfully nice,” she’d say.  “But you’re not Sponge Worthy.”

I had to struggle to share the apartment I had so meticulously created with guests.  And not just sexy-time guests, either.  Anyone who wanted to come over would be learning an awful lot about me just by walking through my door.

When I finally let the boy in, he spent a while snooping, asking a lot of questions.  “This apartment is very you,” he said.  It was the greatest compliment I could have ever received.

Now, I take pride in both my wonderful, customized pad, and my ability to share my space with anyone who enters my life.  I’ve updated my childhood fantasy:  The bramble-covered cement block has a winterized “welcome centre” out front, with a full-time, smiling tour guide – me.

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Ryan Kerr is a Toronto-based artist and recent author of “On Growin’ Up…a guide” which is sold at bookstores and art galleries both nationally and internationally.  He has written for Ion Magazine and presented his writing and performance art at conferences throughout North America. For more information, visit:

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One Response to Wana Come Over? written by Ryan Kerr

  1. lynn iacobelli says:

    Ryan ~
    You captured my heart at “The Mad-Hatters Tea Party” and continued to hold my admiration at the Rom in July of last year!! The little black lace number under the kilt was….unbelievable!! Continued success in whatever you decide is your next endeavour!

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