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Physical Appearance as Related to Dating written by Lenny D’Alessandro

Posted By Rebecca Eckler on June 2, 2011

Tagged: Lenny D'Alessandro, Rant

I don’t have a Body, I AM my body.

I’ve had a few relationships but most of my last ten years have been spent looking for someone or being looked for. During this time my weight (which I’ve always had a hard time managing) has fluctuated, from my heaviest, hovering around 200 lbs to my fittest, roughly 160 lbs. These fluctuations, unhealthy as they may have been, have given me a unique insight into the relationship between physical appearance and dating.  

In my mind, I’ve always been the same (roughly speaking) person.  Yet, despite my ‘sameness,’ my success in the dating world (or lack thereof) is directly tied to my weight at the time: periods of thinness characterized by lots of sex and dating and then periods of fatness, in which I was dateless and well practised at masturbating. 

One would expect this since society and in fact nature, don’t accept unfit beings.

There were fat times, when I recall being terribly bitter and resentful over the fact that I was alone. Resentful towards women for not wanting to learn about or get to  know me. I resented aspects of culture: the cut of clothing, advertisements, the notion of ‘style’.  The worst however were reserved for me, as I felt I let myself down. I felt disjointed between my mind and my body, all which served to exasperate the problem of being unable to find dates. 

I thought my personality was strong enough to overcome my less than ideal appearance. The realization that this isn’t the case was a severe blow to my ego.  

Periods of physical fitness carried different emotions entirely.  An increased level of attention, from women and men alike, served to boost my ego.  I began to feel whole.  The cut of clothing no longer frustrated me as garments fit me as though I were the mannequin they were tailored to.  Women would look at me, talk to me, smile and play with their hair.  My date night to non-date night ratio skyrocketed, more importantly, my sex to date ratio was off the charts.  I was happy and no longer felt resentful.  ‘Style,’ advertisements and the cut of clothing bothered me less.

At this point I had experienced dating from both ends of the spectrum, but what had I learned?

The resentments I had towards the media/women, while they may be justified on their own merit were illogical when related to my lack of dating success.  Resenting things we can’t change and letting yourself feel powerless in a society which doesn’t accept you is defeatist and wouldn’t be the approach taken by anyone we would call admirable. 

I began to view myself as my body.  I had always been the same person on the inside and had a hard time reconciling this with my sudden, increased level of attention.  Slowly I began to realize, however, that it was my own notions of somehow being separate from my body which were holding me back in the first place.  By considering myself as my body and not as a mind within a body, I began to reconnect with the more natural, or primal, way of viewing myself. 

This idea alone was able to tie everything together for me; it was an answer to the resentment of women and to the resentment of myself, it provided a logical explanation for the behaviour of these suddenly, easily charmed women.  It was the answer I was looking for and it fit in with my general perceptions of the world; it’s amazing it took me as long as it did to come to this realization.

My experience has taught me that although I may not accept the expectations the world has of me, I must never the less, deal with them.  By using nature as an example we can find time tested reasons for why things happen or don’t happen, most notably in human relations. 

The notion of survival of the fittest is still relevant.

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IT professional with a passion for criticism, also a supporter of humans.  His hobbies include:  spreadism, introspection, friendship, dancing and dreaming up ‘famous last words’.  He enjoys being all too human, including the manic aspects and finds comfort in smoking trees.  If he could do it all over again he would have been a journalist or a dolphin.

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2 Responses to Physical Appearance as Related to Dating written by Lenny D’Alessandro

  1. Michelle says:

    First of all, I, like the majority of women I know, like a guy with a little heft to him (my husband’s a big guy) and studies have even shown that while most (white) men gravitate toward under-weight women, the reverse is true for women, who like some meat on their man’s bones.
    I think that women were therefore not responding to how you looked, but rather to the confidence you were projecting. I have several very heavy female friends who are happily married, and similarly, several gorgeous, thin friends who are single and pushing 40.
    It’s all about what you project to the world, and therefore, when you were heavier, you were projecting dislike with yourself. That emanates outward.
    Or, maybe it’s that you don’t know the difference between “exasperate” and “exacerbate.” :)

  2. Lenny D'Alessandro says:

    ‘It’s all about what you project to the world’

    I agree that how I projected myself definitely made a difference. And yes I do know the difference between exasperate and exacerbate. – exacerbate being the more useful word in this context.

    Still I would caution, regardless of my projections, not to give females that much credit in their ability to move past looks. I have too much experience in this regard to think otherwise.

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