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Relationships As A Means To Freedom written by Lenny D’Alessandro

Posted By Rebecca Eckler on July 27, 2011

Tagged: Lenny D'Alessandro, Rant

I’m thirty years old.  I’m not old but I have experienced enough to be able to reflect.  Here is a Monday-night-straight-home-from-the-local-bar rant.

Relationships are an escape.

Many of us are raised expecting to reach certain milestones that are set out in advance by our cultures and our families: go to University, get a job,  get married, get a house, have children; in that order.

The marriage is the step which sets us free.

There usually isn’t a plan for ‘after marriage’.  No further goals, no further milestones (at least that I can think of or have been told about).  We may dream about travelling and freedom while we’re with our partners but that’s all wish thinking.  Most people have kids, work daily and get old.

From my perspective, a lot of life has been spent trying to live up to my parents wishes; doing things because they said I ought to.  Once I was old enough to manage on my own, I left home and set out, truly on my own path. It is my belief  that the race for marriage is really an attempt for many of us to be free. Free from preconceived notions and obligations set out for us.  Marriage is an end state.  We long for it because, once we reach the end of our parents preordained chain of events, we can set our own course.

Marriage is an attempt to emancipate ourselves from our families, yet we do so by staring anew.

Rare are those who can manage on their own in the long term but good on them for being able to do so for commitment to oneself is the most difficult commitment of all.  Far be it from me to claim personal freedom as I have many chains attached to me, yet there are those of us out there who are truly free and often times exist on their own…independently.

I’ve seen people rush and over commit.  I’ve often done it myself.  I’ve raced for the prize and held all hope in a single other.  I’ve been the person others hoped for.  So much of it was false and corrupt.  So much of it was based on expectation and not reality.  So much of it has been so personally destructive, hurtful and difficult…the older I get, the more I think it is completely unnecessary.

Many of us can find happiness, easily, with another person.  More of us however, have never experienced being independent.

I challenge everyone; married, single, committed or otherwise to ask themselves: is there anything I want to do that I’m holding back on? Is there any unfulfilled desire I’ve abandoned? Is someone else holding me back?  How well do I really know what I want?  When is the last time I learned something new? Am I being truly honest?

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IT professional with a passion for criticism, also a supporter of humans.  His hobbies include:  spreadism, introspection, friendship, dancing and dreaming up ‘famous last words’.  He enjoys being all too human, including the manic aspects and finds comfort in smoking trees.  If he could do it all over again he would have been a journalist or a dolphin.

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5 Responses to Relationships As A Means To Freedom written by Lenny D’Alessandro

  1. Sam Title says:

    My wife says I’m completely happy and content with where I am and what I’m doing.

    I may agree with her…

    Never mind…mom says I do.

  2. Barbara says:

    Most people cannot ask themselves that question for fear of the answers. That they don’t know. You have stated very wisely and honestly exactly what happens. Many people do not experience true independence and it’s a shame. For a man, I’m happily surprised by your sincere introspection of yourself and your reasons why you did what you did in your life. That’s at least step one. Next is chasing those things you never knew you really wanted, and getting them.
    When I sold everything I owned and travelled the world on one way tickets- people thought I was crazy to give up my chains. But I was truely free. There’s no better feeling.

  3. Claudia says:

    This is really interesting, especially because everyone tells me I’m way too young to already be married.
    I do agree with most of your points, mainly the ones that reveal so much about our similar upbringing, the whole “get an education, job, husband/wife and pop out a couple kids” thing. It’s what our parents and the generations before know and so of course that’s why they passed it on.
    I see the value in education, careers and building a family but I don’t necessarily agree they all have to be in that order.

    I will admit that the decision to get married at 24 was easier for me because I DID want to move out and live with him. So of course having lived at home and never really being on my own, it was exciting to think that our families would accept us starting a life together if we were married. But at the same time I really DID/DO want to be with him forever, so that also made it easy.

    To answer some of those questions, I don’t feel held back. I don’t think there is anything I could or should or want to be doing that I can’t do with a husband. If anything I feel very supported by him when it comes to my personal goals. As far as knowing for sure what we want, that isn’t something that depends on being a relationship, I’m afraid. I don’t think anyone, single or not, can really know for sure. All we know is how we fee from day to day, and we see where it takes us. I don’t anticipate my love for him to come to a screeching halt any time soon. If it does, I suppose there will be a lot more at play than just changing my mind.

    This is a curious post for sure, thanks for being so open and honest. xo

  4. Jenna says:

    In addition to everything Claudia said, I think that despite what our parents expect us or tell us to do, the notion of pursuing “marriage” as the end result of any relationship is also problematic. When you actually realize you should get married, it should only be because that is a natural progression. It should be automatic. I’ve heard people say this has happened to them when most of their lives they had no intention to get married.

    In terms of other goals, those should always be at the fore. I got married for the reason I explained above, not because it was a goal. I even explained it in a post. It was just as natural as deciding to date a person; it just seemed right.

    If you strive for everything else (the real goals) the rest will come to you.

  5. Jenna says:

    Additionally, marriage and relationships should not be a means to anything, or any end. It should be an end in itself.

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